I feel paralyzed by indecision. I can see the world whipping by my window, moving faster and faster while I sit still. Yet here I am, staring at the scenery passing me by, too scared to get off at any stop because what if the next one is better? Soon I’m going to reach the end of the line, pull into a dark station and be forced to get off anyways. So why can’t I pick a stop?
The last time I wrote in this journal I talked about how cool it is that I’m 21 and have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Turns out it’s way easier to have that mindset when you’re working in a national park, about to set off on a solo road trip to a bunch of cool places.
It’s actually a lot harder to find being directionless cool when you’re back at your parents’ house watching all your friends make plans for their future while you rot in indecision.
So why is making choices about my future so hard for me? I’m not exactly sure. I think there’s a lot of reasons.
For one, I am an adventure addict. I think it’s hard not to be when you grow up as a reader. I spent every waking moment consuming stories about princesses, grand quests and adventures on dragonback. I chased a little bit of that feeling down while I was in Montana and now I want more.
On the other hand, I happen to be a huge realist. I’m hyper aware of the privileges I’ve been afforded thus far in my life, and just how important it is for me to be able to support myself moving forward. I don’t want to fall blindly into adventures and find myself stuck when they’re over.
I also don’t want to focus so much on money and the ladder of success that I look back in forty years and realize I didn’t do any of the things I wanted to.
On top of it all, it feels like with any decision I make I lose the 30 other options I had before. I’m so nervous that I’ll decide too soon and miss an amazing opportunity later.
So how do I find a balance? I guess this is the part of the blog post where I’m supposed to explain it, map out the plan I’ve come up with and how you can implement it in your own life.
Sorry. I’m all out of ideas.
I feel so stuck.
I want to climb mountains. I want to grow as a writer, a photographer and an artist. I want to learn to surf and snowboard. I want to have an apartment and a dog. I want to fall in love, have my heart broken and write poetry until it’s better. I want to get a Ph. D. in Scotland and drink way too much tea. I want to watch the sunrise over the ocean every morning and set over the mountains every night. I want to spend a month doing nothing but yoga. I want to do everything so instead I’m doing nothing.
And listen I don’t want to be too hard on myself. I’ve accomplished a lot and I’m really proud of how far I’ve come. My junior year of high school I was so paralyzed by anxiety that I barely left my house. Four years later I graduated from university a year early and moved across the country by myself. I’m still writing, working, growing and learning new things about myself everyday.
I just wish I could channel a little bit more of the confidence I had when I was making these decisions last year. Sometimes I wish I could just have someone make all my decisions for me.
How did you find your path? How are you finding it today?
Should I make another promise about writing more often? Instead I’ll just say I’m doing my best and thank you for reading anyways.
If you’re new here and want to know more about me you can find it here. You can also find me on Instagram (I’ve been trying to post more often) or listen to my most listened to playlist of the week.
Lots of Love,
Mary Kate